Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
