I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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