Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
