She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
