Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
