so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Randomize
