Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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