i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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