when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
