when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
