a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
