just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
