There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
