Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You need a sexual gate keeper
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Randomize
