Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
