Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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