if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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