Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
