a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
why didn't you poke me back
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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