Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
4 words: hood of his car
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
