Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
