we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
