I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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