so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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