Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
