I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
