Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Bring me that man meat
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
