she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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