Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
