Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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