in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
