hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
