Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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