Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
