just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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