Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
