The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
