Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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