oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
