If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
