I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
