2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
