So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
