i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
