Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
