So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Randomize
