put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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