She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
