I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
