tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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